Well, I haven't blogged in a long time. Honestly, I haven't really felt like I've had much to say.
Then this week, I've had two people, both from very different parts of my life, encourage me to write again. And wouldn't you know, now I have something so say. Here I go...
Some days, I feel like an awesome parent. I am patient. My kids are kind and obedient. Everyone is happy.
Take today, for example, when we (Hayes and I...Bella is at my parent's house) went to the Children's Museum. We were cultured, we learned, we further invested in friendships.
See? I'm rockin' it. My baby looks sweet and cute.
Then, there are days like yesterday. Hayes and I went to the library. I swear, the INSTANT we enter that building, my kids go nuts. It's like I have never disciplined them or taken them to a public place.
He was loud from the start. He was screaming about going on the elevator, to which I explained that we didn't need to go up to the adult section, because my books were on hold downstairs. He threw himself on the floor in protest. I tried to distract him by going into the kid's section. We found a book he liked and sat down to read it. He threw it on the floor. Another mom looked at me and moved (Yes, got up and MOVED, away from us.) I tried to take him to look for a train book and he ran away from me. Finally, I had had enough and decided to check out and go. (I was determined to get my books. One of them I requested in April and it is finally my turn.) So, there I am, holding a protesting, SCREAMING child in one arm and checking out books with the other. The librarians, none of whom offered to help me (which would have been nice), looked at me. One commented that he was tired. "Why yes, yes he is, thank you." was my bitter response. We got to the car and I was sweaty, and embarrassed, and angry.
I spent the rest of the day being mad at my two year old.
My parenting skills are not enough.
Some days, I feel like an awesome person. I say the right things. I'm a good friend. I have my house cleaned and my laundry under control. I have on a great outfit and look...nice. Maybe even pretty.
Then the next day, every thing is a mess. I am a mess. I stare at myself and think that I am more than enough (aka...too fat) and shred myself apart in my head. I can spend a whole day doing this. A WHOLE DAY.
My personality, achievements, and looks are not enough.
Then, I sit in this house (clean or messy) and think two opposing thoughts. Sometimes I can't stand all I have. I have TOO MUCH. I clean out a closet like a mad person. I make a trip to Goodwill. And then a few days later, I go shopping. You know, to get more stuff.
My things are not enough.
Some days, there are issues in the world that get me thinking. Let's look at a trendy one...Chick-fil-a. I have really been watching and contemplating this one.
What is enough?
Is it enough to not eat chicken or to eat chicken? Is it enough to protest or support? How do we love? (Please, people, let's love.)
I read articles like this : http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/07/27/in-the-basement
I love some things she said. A friend and I were just discussing some of these same points today:
(taken from the blog above)
We hate injustice.
We hate our own sin and pride and arrogance, and we grieve at how it has wounded, sliced, slashed, and humiliated.
We hate that 25,000 people will die today of hunger and we’re arguing gay marriage again.
We hate how the Gospel has been turned into a bludgeoning tool.
We hate pointless arguments that widen the gap and devalue real human people.
We hate abuse and violence and crowded orphanages and trafficked sixth-graders.
But then, I think, do I hate these things enough?
Is it enough to throw change or a couple dollar bills at the homeless person on the corner?
Is it enough to support my husband, who works with the hungry and poor in Houston?
Is it enough to support my church and say "Yay! That's good work!" in their stand against human trafficking?
I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.
I. am. not. enough.
But I can go to bed tonight, resting and believing and clinging to the fact that I have a Savior who is.
HE IS ENOUGH.
"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." 2 Peter 1:3
"For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." Galatians 5:13
"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and delivered Himself up for me." Galatians 2:20